For the past five years, this has been my obsession: become a professional actor living and working in London.
SPOILER ALERT—-
TA DAA! I’m HERE!!!
I made it. I live in London. I have an agent. I’ve graduated drama school. I’ve been to auditions. I’ve had paying work.
But who is “I”?
“I” am certainly not who I pictured arriving in London to act. 30 pounds heavier for one thing. “I” sit around more than I planned, reading novels and eating English chocolate. “I” appear to be the “I” that I was when I was 13. (With better hair.)
But “I” also have an MA in Professional Acting. I have new friends, all over the UK that are actors, directors, filmmakers, writers.
“I” still get peeved when a neighbor has party music up loud at night.
“I” wake up at night, worried about money, about drinking too much, about the weight I’ve put on, about my cholesterol numbers, about an audition where I could have done more, about another Christmas without family, about about about…
“I” now understand the connections between northern England, Brass Bands, coal mines, textile mills, Tories, Labor, and Pies. “I” have a Manchester Bee tattoo (my one and only).
“I” have written and performed a one-woman show that got encouragement to go to the fringe. “I” have never been to THE FRINGE. “I” have auditioned in the West End without having a panic attack. “I” have learned the song “Three Lions on a Shirt”, sang “it’s coming home” in a packed London pub, and spent a day in post-football depression when England lost to Croatia. (Really? CROATIA?… argh.)
This week, “I” began to figure something out: being ONLY an actor will drive me crazy. I love the work: another script, another audition, another workshop, another show to see that a friend is in.
BUT – it is an uphill battle. With no time clock to punch, there are a lot of days where I ask myself, “Am I doing it?”, and “Where am I falling short?”.
“I” need more. “I” AM more.
At this point, it’s dawning on me that it’s about what I MAKE it. And we’re not just talking about a job at this point. It’s my LIFE. Moving from a job-centric life to an art-centric life is my dream. But it is not as natural and easy as I thought. My jobs, whilst I resented them, gave me structure. My passion to become an actor gave me the drive. (“I” have also learned to use the word “whilst”).
Now I have only the structure I create. I’ve had to bank back my burning drive to coals. This is a long haul, this work. A lifetime.
My question is this: how to I bring together the past me (environmental science, martial arts, mom) to my current me (acting, writing, yoga, grandma). I’ve done a lot of pushing, self-bullying, cutting things away… maybe it’s time to bring them back. But how? I’m not sure!
So, I’m here in my dream spot (LONDON), and I’m back to my blog. Back to Sideways.
I am returning to story telling, rather than didactic problem/answer approach. I mean, the internet is FULL of answers.
Ever notice how we all keep looking?
I’ve begun to suspect that people don’t need answers; I think the important part is asking the questions.
Diana Carson-Walker
Sideways Into Crazy is place where questions are treasured. Ever notice the most interesting stories have a question, a mystery, or a quest at their core?
Stories help us do that. I have a few to tell and I’d love to hear any you have to tell.
Let’s build some bridges, tell some stories. Feel free to comment or drop me a line at carsonwalker@sidewaysintocrazy.com.